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I’ve Had Enough. Period
CASCAIS, PORTUGAL- Hey everyone, guess what? I’ve got my period. Yippee! Lets all celebrate the fact that my boobs have swollen into two huge, lumpy, over-ripe rock melons; I’ve grown a zit on my...
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Dad
Death. It’s a curious thing. I don’t mean to sound macabre but I’m feeling a bit philosophical and whimsical. If it’s possible to feel whimsical about things of such a heavy nature. I’ve had a fair bit...
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Art Is Such A Phallus-y Sometimes. A Penis Pictorial
Yesterday I went to the opening of an exhibition at a small art gallery. I love exhibitions. Especially when they’re small and quirky. The invitation to the opening was nondescript and black, and gave...
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Somewhere Uncle Ben Is Scratching His Head And Wondering Where Thirty-Three...
Another day, another exhibition. Melbourne is crawling with artists at the moment. Apparently they’re all on their winter migration, heading south to our summery shores for the warmer and more loving...
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Of Stars and Orbs and Tiny Specks in the Distance
Los Angeles has caught a cold. She sniffles, shivers and pulls her hills and canyons tighter, trying to brace herself against the chill. “Man,” she says. “It’s, like, totally cold outside.” She’s...
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The Love Chronicles, Part 1 – In Which the Author Tries to Define Love and Loss
I’ve been hurt. In the past my heart has been so broken that I, in fits of dedicated melodrama and self-pity, thought that I might actually die. The ache has been so deep, profound, prolonged and...
View ArticleThe Love Chronicles, Part 2- In Which the Author Introduces the Story of the...
His name was Cole and beside him I looked like a midget. At six feet tall this is no mean feat. We met at The Chateau Marmont late on a Spring evening. I wore red leather fuck-me boots and eyes of...
View ArticleThe Love Chronicles, Part 3- The Continuing Saga of an Author with No Brain...
“I can’t remember what you look like,” I admitted to Cole one day. “I know I thought you were a bit on the yummy side, but let’s face it, I was drunk and slovenly and talking shit on a chaise to a...
View ArticleThe Love Chronicles, Part 4- In Which the Author Crosses the Seas and Returns...
As I sit here, intent on typing the third installment (now long overdue and angrily demanded) of this sorry tale, a song begins to shuffle and shimmy out of my speakers… The song is ‘Do Right Woman’ by...
View ArticleThe Love Chronicles, Part 5- In Which We Wrap Up This Sorry Tale with a...
Like most people my trajectory through life has been filled with tests and lessons. If school prepared me for anything it certainly wasn’t a career, but an ability to recognize when I was about to be...
View ArticleThe World’s Worst Poet Strikes Again: Libidinous Rhymes
Something happened to my sex drive, just the other day, It up and stole the car keys, then it fucking drove away. I screamed, I yelled and chased it as it sped along the road, But it just flipped the...
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Diary of a Fledgling Filmmaker, Part One
ANYWHERE, USA- The night is still and the purple scent of wisteria fills my nostrils. I feel heady, dizzy, drunk on smell. I’m also drunk on sake and celebratory champagne, but it’s the drooping...
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Diary of a Fledgling Filmmaker, Part Two
ANYWHERE, U.S.A.- The drive is an endless repetition of fun and unfathomable boredom. We are human curiosities in the small towns where we stop to refresh, revitalize, refuel and retire. People eye...
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MySpace Addict Confesses All and Cures Self
Hello. My name is Zoe Brock and I am a MySpace addict. Wow. That’s embarrassing. If you’d like to run me over with a train right now I’d be more than happy to lay down and oblige. Like most addictions...
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My Nanny was a Tranny
It’s noon and I’m lying on my bed listening to the lilting voices of the neighbors waver with abandonment, teetering on the verge of happy hysteria. They are intoxicated, summer, weekend voices. BBQ...
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Mum
The greatest gift my mother ever gave me was the gift of knowing I was loved. In a cruel and often scary world this one fact gives me peace. Perhaps I am biased, but I think my mama is beautiful, even...
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Would You Care For Some Tea? Caffeinated Ranting- A Series Of Open Letters...
Dear Life, I hope this letter finds you well, happy, and infinitely less confusing and melodramatic than you were when I was writing it. Just to be on the safe side I think I’ll wait a few hours before...
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How To Turn Your Lover Into A Nepalese Mountain Guide and Other Helpful Hints...
“Tis not the amount of stress one copes with, but the grace with which one handles it, that is the measure of a persons strength.” I said that! “Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you even...
View ArticleThe Bus
It’s rush hour. The bus is crowded and sweet-salty-humid with the airborne sweat of human secretions. The blood in my veins feels lethargic and viscous, greasy and sticky like spilled motor oil. It’s...
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Yes, I Need to Get Laid. No, I am Not Going to Have Sex With You
Hello, my name is Zoë Brock and I am a hopelessly hopeful romantic. Love and I have a long and sordid relationship. We’re stuck to each other with that cheap, tacky glue that never dries properly and...
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If I Had Feathers I Would, Like, Totally Ruffle Them
I’ve just moved. Not just houses, but cities and entire lives. It’s exciting and new, a bit like the theme song from the Love Boat, but with no Gopher, no dancing girls and no stopover in Rio. Bummer!...
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Hiking In Neon Crotchless Fishnet Bodystockings Should be Mandatory Therapy...
I’m going to Burning Man this year. Ten days in the dust and the wind and the heat and the cold and the chaos. Ten days of thumping base and lunacy and love. Ten days of…. I have no idea what. Many...
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Tales From The Playa #1- Re-birthing a Woman and Burning a Man
BLACK ROCK CITY, NV- Your boots are white with dust as fine as talc. Insidious stuff. Your legs, your arms, your face, whatever clothing you have decorated your body with – all are white, silty and...
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Tales from the Playa #2- The Essential and Definitive Burning Man List…...
It’s Wednesday, August 20, 2008. The Man burns in ten days. In three hours one of your best friends will arrive from Australia. You have not seen him in two months. In fourteen hours the person who...
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Dad? Are you high?
Not so long ago, on a rare San Francisco day of surprising warmth and humidity, I was sitting at my nice orderly desk when an email appeared in my nice orderly inbox. “Ping,” said my Google Notifier....
View ArticleNervio: I Love You. Now, Let Me Eat Your Face.
When I was five or six years old my mother allowed me to adopt a kitten. For months I had been kicking up a juvenile stink, shedding precocious tears and wailing mournfully while beating my head...
View ArticleThree Exercises In Writing: Little Ways To Find The Muse When She’s Gone Walkies
For the last couple of years I’ve struggled with my identity as A Writer. My once daily passion has become, at times, a chore, an onus. My dear old friend now wears an ugly hat and is rarely invited in...
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Growing Up Model
Recently I was asked what I wanted. Not what I wanted in my tea or what I wanted on my salad, but what I wanted out of life. Ugh. This seemingly innocuous little query dredged up tumultuous feelings...
View ArticlePreview: The Introduction To My Memoir
In 1988 I was fourteen years old, five-foot-nine, skinny, flat-chested and at least four more years away from any proper evidence of puberty. To compound all of this luminous adolescent joy I was also...
View ArticleHow The Nervous Breakdown Changed My Life
A little over three years ago a friend of mine in South Florida sent me a Craigslist post from a gentleman in the Los Angeles area seeking writers for a new website. The writers had to fit two...
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A Thousand Words: My Childhood, or, Plastic Tits and Ass
I am about eight years old in this photo. The little boy I am towering over is about four. His name is Louis. The 1950’s love-bot next to poor, distraught, little Louis is, indeed, yours truly. For the...
View ArticleThe Kitten
This story begins on a dark and wintry evening and involves death and hormones. You have been warned. I was driving home, a passenger in my girlfriend’s car, with a belly full of El Mariachi’s and a...
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Christmas? F**K YEAH!
This year, as we careen towards Christmas like an out of control 18-wheeler, I’ve decided to take my hand off the wheel, lean back with a smile and enjoy the rush of impending doom with a gleam in my...
View ArticleThings I Have Learned This Month
1. Most cats are smarter than most Americans because most cats like Vegemite. 2. Mothers are always right. Getting orthopedic surgery on a body part on the same day as your partner will make for a...
View ArticleGetting Drunk With The Diceman: The George Cockcroft Interview Part 2
In the early nineties I discovered a book that changed my life and it wasn’t Little Women. There was nothing demure, ladylike or well-behaved about The Dice Man and that is exactly why I loved it. It...
View ArticleTMI: A Girl’s Guide To Gracelessness
I used to write. I used to write a lot. I wrote about everything that happened to me, the daily minutiae, the ups and downs and highs and lows. Hundreds of people tuned in when I posted online to hear...
View ArticleThought Bubbles From The Road
My love affair with America was inflamed today as I sat at the bar of Margie’s Diner on the verge of the 101. Lit up by determined, crimson letters flashing *Real Food* *Real Food* *Real Food* a man in...
View ArticleThe Retreat
Friday, 5pm- I’m holed up in a grand estate in Ojai, hiding from my life, pretending to be whole and happy, beset by hovering paparazzi in whirring helicopters that dance on the evening breeze as they...
View ArticlePositively Weird & Wonderful
In the past several weeks I’ve given a lot of thought to reinvention. This is, in no small part, due to the fact that I’m trying to completely reinvent myself as a woman, friend, potential lover, and...
View ArticleYou
YOU are a woman. You might not have been a woman before you started reading, but for now, you most certainly are. Have fun with it, you slut. You are a woman. When you’re not being clumsy you are...
View ArticleYou, Two.
You are still a woman, at least you were the last time you checked. You check again, just to make sure. While you’re at it you admire your tan lines. Yup, doing good. If you were the sun you’d kiss you...
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